So I log onto this god damn dating app because I am so lonely, and before I am ready, these men start coming. “Hey what’s up?” I say everything is alright, for now. Next question. He’s thoughtful, he’s read my dating profile. “So, I could take you for long walks on the beach.” Uh. I don’t want you to take me for long walks on the beach. I take long walks on my own. I say I take long walks on the beach because I’ve heard it’s what people who are trying to fall in love do. I am trying to fall in love, right? Right. I flirt back, it’s night time and I’m scared of the dark. Damn, I hate myself, shouldn’t have said that. “I can protect you ;)” No, you can’t. You can’t even take a clear photo of yourself and your profile is just your height and horoscope. What the hell am I doing? I deserve way better than someone like you. Okay, that’s a little harsh. I feel bad. You don’t deserve this, I’m probably no better than you. I reply, maybe in the day. You grab yourself by the balls, “maybe we can meet in your room instead?” I hate you. This is not a marketplace and I am not a fish you pick up and bring home. Stop, it’s just flirting. Sexual flirting. I asked for it anyway, it’s what being open to hookups mean. I play coy, haha not my room, we might mess it up, I don’t like being messy. I mean it. I haven’t even had sex before and I still live with my mum. “You have OCD? I can take care of that.” Your confidence is intrusive. Take care of me? When I don’t put my shampoo bottle back at the right-hand corner of the shower mantel, will you take my place in hell? Will you shield me from the inferno of eternal damnation? Are you God? When you die, will your arrogant body disintegrate into the spirit of Jesus? Am I, finally, saved? “You there?” No, I’m not. When I say I like long walks by the beach, I mean I take flight at night because I hope this desperation is something I can walk off. When I say I’m afraid of the dark, I mean the dark comes, sits on my chest and I cannot breathe. When I say I’m afraid of mess, I mean that I need to remove all traces of myself wherever I go because I am not good enough for the world and must live like a ghost. When I log on, I am lonely. When I say I’m okay with hookups, I am tired of giving a shit. But how could I need anyone if all they want to do is fuck me? How could anyone ever understand that care will be the only thing I’d be willing to take from you yet feel undeserving to receive till the day I die? What is love, can I ever be loved? How could anyone ever fall in love with someone, like this? You’re not even my type.
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