Do you want to know what depression feels like? Today was a perfect day. I went to a friend’s place to practice for a gig. Guitars and sound, we sneaked new music into our brains and laughed at all our mistakes. Morning was melody and sleepy adventure. When I reached the office, it was empty. Midday light staining the wooden floors, the cat purring against my foot. At 5PM, I took a break and read love poems under my breath. This afternoon was quiet thought and privacy. By night, I hit the exercise studio. We got bubble tea for dinner then sweat and jumped until the mall chased us out by switching off the air conditioner. The night was chaotic good and clumsy laughter. I take the bus home and my heart disappears from my chest. The world falls flat on its face, and I’m thinking maybe no amount of medication can help erase emptiness. Today was a perfect day.
Do you want to know what living with depression feels like?
It watches me as I take a warm shower, unfurling along the planes of a familiar body. It sits next to me, peering over at the screen of my laptop. Perhaps we feel the same ache in our feet, perhaps we are both in love with the same people.
Do you want to know what depression is?
It is all my lonely days collapsed and shuddering inside one person. It is the empty jar I use to store the vapour from all my stolen perfect days. It is the befriending of an old enemy. It is the closure of a broken relationship. It is the kindness I learn to let it back in.
